Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?

image

Saboteur Profile

See all Saboteurs

Andy Dawson

Sabotaging since 2 Feb 2010

Renowned dreamweaver and occasional blacksmith Andy has written words for publications such as NME, Viz, Front, Loaded, The Guardian and When Saturday Comes as well as comedy scripts for TV and radio that were broadcast and everything. He is also the author of The Irish Uprising, a book that covered Roy Keane's first season as manager of Sunderland AFC. He has no plans for any further books about Keane. Andy currently co-edits the website Bitterwallet.com and is developing TV comedy ideas with the BBC. More of his work is online at factualhealing.com and twitter.com/dianainheaven, where he impersonates a dead princess..

My Articles

Life

10 Facebook Tips For Winners

As Facebook turns 10, here are 10 steps to doing it like a boss…

19
Funny

Great Britain 2020: Not Great At All. How Life Will Be Post Credit-Crunch

Britain as we know it is on its knees, wheezing, coughing up blood and close to death. That’s if you believe German Dieter Koch, one of the world’s top economists and an expert in the future.

9
TV

The Apprentice 2013 Week 6: School Memories Ruined All Over Again

The quest to be the recipient of Lord Sir Alan Sugar’s ‘unbelievable opportunity’ continues. Remember all the previous winners of the ‘unbelievable opportunity’? Mmmm, quite.

1
Football

Sunderland Fan Wants Maradona To Replace Martin O’Neill

Let’s face it, sacking your manager after a 1-0 loss with a derby round the corner is mental, so let’s go the whole hog and get Maradona in…

1
Football

Sunderland: Why Can We Beat Manchester City But Not Bolton?

Another disappointing cup exit to a Championship side has seen Sunderland left to focus on Premier League duties. We want O’Neill to desperately succeed, but after the defeat to Bolton; it’s hard to see where the Black Cats go next.

4
Football

O’Neill Must Drop James McClean To Turn Sunderland Around

Just one win this season and languishing three points above the relegation zone. It’s going to be a long, tough winter…

2
TV

Geordie Shore: Doing For Newcastle What Borat Did For Kazakhstan

Geordie Shore returned to our screens last night. It’s insane and utterly compelling…

8
TV

Dragons Den 2012 Week Two: Introducing The World’s First “Pentrepreneur”

This week’s trip to the den found the dragons in an unforgiving mood, reluctant to splash their cash on just any tatty old idea, as some poor, quivering wannabe zillionaires quickly found out.

1
TV

Dragons’ Den 2012 Week One: Sexual Tina Returns With Added Padding

Everyone knows that Devey is the true hero of the piece, but what else went down? Well, some bloke called Clay tried to convince them of the merits of something called ABSPAK and from there it descended into madness…

12
People

Jimmy Carr For Prime Minister!

So Jimmy Carr, 10 O’Clock Live’s voice of the people, is a tax avoider. But don’t be too harsh on him, this is the kind of ingenuity this country needs

4
TV

The Apprentice Week One Reviewed: “I Was Born in a Shoe in Chernobyl”

A lion trying to escape from a giant’s testicle, a part-time wrestler called Ricky Martin and a Bulgarian. It’s Apprentice time again…

Politics

Question Time: Impossible To Enjoy Without Twitter

Years ago Question Time meant Robin Day, mucus and your Dad calling Neil Kinnock a prick. Now it’s all about the shared experience and everyone having a pop at Ann Leslie. There is even a dance…

4
Football

James McClean: Sunderland’s Overnight £50m Sensation

He impressed Martin O’Neill by haring about in a reserve game mired by 70mph winds and has been a revelation since gaining a starting berth. If Stewart Downing is worth £22m, then McClean is definitely worth £50m…

5
Life

Forget David Cameron, Meet The Original Mr Tourette

This week David Cameron had to apologise for joking about Tourettes. The syndrome became a household name back in 1989 when a nervous Scottish teenager appeared on screen spitting his dinner across the family table and called his mum a ‘fucking slut’ as she shopped for cat food.

6
Football

Sunderland: All Aboard Martin O’Neill’s Magic Carpet Ride

Back in 2006 Niall Quinn promised the fans a magic carpet ride, after several false dawns and the terrible Bruce reign, are they finally going to get it?

3
Football

A Surreal Guide To Euro 2012

Forget about stats and other boring nonsense, what you really need to know is that Joachim Low is addicted to a particular sweet, or even what Anders Svensson does with his washing machine…

2
Football

Sunderland Man Wants Maradona To Replace Bruce

We’d probably get releagated, but the six months that preceded the drop would be the best thing that has ever happened, all suggestive groin thrusts, cigar smoke and the sound of machine gun fire whenever we score…

13
TV

Life’s Too Short: Shame This Sh*t Isn’t Shorter

Ricky Gervais is no stranger to controversy, but isn’t it about time he started being funny again?

35
TV

The Young Apprentice, Episode 2: Class Warfare And Casual Racism

Not happy with the bizzare social phenomenon that is The Apprentice? Is it not quite weird enough for you? How about doing it with kids?

2
TV

This Xmas’s Celeb Autobiographies: A Sneak Preview

In two months Santa Claus will have come to town, raided the drinks cabinet and gorged on your Rich Teas. Most offensively though, he may have placed a celebrity’s autobiography under the tree. But which one?

3
TV

The Only Way Is Essex, Week 6: Arse Implants and Fishing Trips

Joey is under house arrest, Chloe is moving her chest to her arse and it’s all kicking off over a cake…

1
Film

X Factor 2011, The Big Twist: Tulisa Sacks Her Cleaners

Were you ready for THE BIG TWIST that was dangled before us ahead of this weekend’s X Factor live shows? What was it going to be – Napalm Death week? The revelation that Kitty is packing a penis? Sadly it was none of these…

6
Football

Manchester City’s Tevez Or Sunderland’s Bramble: Who Is The Biggest Tool?

It’s safe to say that there are some pretty big tools in the world of football. The question of who is the biggest, however, is one that has plagued experts for many a year. Fear not, for here is your definitive answer.

11
Film

Big Brother 2011: Your Guide To The ‘Normal’ Housemates

Now the celebs have flown the Big Brother nest, here’s your guide to the wankers who’ll be blighting your TV screens on a nightly basis. Oh, and Pamela Anderson’s in there too.

8
Film

Strictly Come Dancing Preview: Here Come The Hotsteppers

BBC1’s pre-Christmas prancing festival is primed and ready to go again, starting tonight. Let’s take a look at the celeb line-up and try to glean what we’re going to get from them over the next three months…

1
Film

The X Factor 2011, Week Two: The Nutjobs Have Talent?

Rather than X Factor’s tried and tested formula of laughing at people less fortunate in the mental stableness stakes, this year the crazies seem to have talent.

5
Film

Fantasy Celebrity Big Brother

Big Brother doesn’t have to be a tedious Z-List fest, just imagine if this lot were trapped in a house for two weeks.

2
Life

Cameron’s Too Soft: Here’s How To Sort Out The Gangs

The peasants have revolted and now Something Big And Important has to be seen to be done. Here’s an easy to follow four point guide for that lily-livered leftie Cameron.

16
Film

Dragons Den 2011, Week Three: Premature Fencing Failure

Certainly the most bizarre episode of the series so far, featuring posts, knitting needles, dog muck devices and a cage that masquerades as a shirt…

8
Film

Dragons Den 2011, Week Two: Sexual Tina And Silk Cut Smoothies

Car beds, DJing as part of the arts, memory foam mattresses and Peter Jones rapping. It was a bad week…

19
Film

The Apprentice 2011, Week Seven: From Mags To Riches

After turning muck into brass, the teams were asked to create a free magazine. Natasha said ‘yeah’ a lot, Jim patronised everyone over the age of 60 and talked cobblers…

4
Film

Made In Chelsea: Geordie Shore For Toffs

They’re young, they’re monied and they’re as thick as pigshit, welcome to the posh equivalent of those Geordie Shore bastards.

3
Film

Britain’s Got Talent: The Final

A closely fought final leg between the GCSE Guy Garvey, a shy pianist, Newcastle United midfielder Alan Smith in tights and a bunch of other desperate wannabes. So which one would Simon Cowell fix (allegedly) to win…

19
Travel

The Alternative Guide To June, Part 2

Watching posh people, sorry we mean horses, at the polo, or, watching men race whilst carrying their wives on their backs, we know which one we would choose.

3
Travel

The Alternative Guide To June, Part 1

Screaming sumo baby tennis, Turkish oiled wrestling, mummified corpse gazing: just a few wholesome activities that will be more fun than watching the Gorillaz this June.

People

Diana in Heaven – Exclusive Book Extract Part 3: Ripped to the Tits at Live Aid

Another exclusive extract from The Dead Princess Diaries. This time Diana, Queen of our Hearts, recounts the best day of her life- being “properly ripped to the tits” at Live Aid.

2
Life

Diana in Heaven - Exclusive Book Extract

She might have been dead for more than 13 years, but Princess Diana is still the Queen Of Hearts and she’s refusing to go away, keeping us in touch with the goings-on in the VIP section of Heaven via her Twitter account.

1
Film

It’s a Knockout: The Greatest Family Show Ever

We’re all enjoying the sight of Shaun Ryder scoffing crocodile cocks and Gillian McKeith fainting at the drop of a hat. But it really isn’t enough – we need to see giant foam rubber monks falling about on a revolving waterlogged turntable again.

3
Football

Chelsea 0-3 Sunderland: A Fan’s Sober Reflection

Yesterday, Sunderland visited Stamford Bridge and handed out a hiding to the befuddled Premier League champions and league leaders. A Black Cat cherishes the moment.

4
Film

We Love You Van Damme

He’s predicted his own death, slept with one of the most sought after women in the world (apparently) not to mention he’s bloody good at kicking arse. Van Damme we salute you.

6
Film

Don’t Bother Going On Dragon’s Den - Tweet Them Instead

Because if you can’t sell half-baked schemes in 140 characters or less, you’re no entrepreneur my son.

1
Books

Diana in Heaven

She’s The Number One Gossip Columnist In Heaven communicating via her twitter feed @dianainheaven. Not one for the monarchists amongst you.

12
1