There are some items of clothing that men should just never wear, from fleeces to cycling shorts, these are the crimes against fashion which are guarenteed to have the ladies running for the hills.
Darts players are not fashion idols for a reason
A couple of months ago myself and some female friends were out dancing one night when a guy comes over and starts chatting to one of the group, everything seems to be going fine until we realise on closer inspection that he is wearing a fleece. That’s right, a fleece, in a club, in central London, there are no words which could even begin to describe our horror. Now, some women will claim they don’t care about what their partners wear and there is a name for those women, they’re called liars. Yes it’s shallow but coming from a girl who once didn’t give a guy her number because he was wearing a thumb ring it’s better to know now that you risk losing the girl of your dreams because of a ill chosen outfit. There are just some clothes that men, no matter how attractive, can not pull in. So read the following carefully before selecting from your wardrobe the few items I haven’t ripped to pieces and you’ll be on your way to long lasting happiness or at least a good shag;
The Worst From The Wardrobe:
Short Sleeved Shirts; Now, if you think of all the types of men that wear short sleeved shirts there is one that truly sticks in women’s minds; darts players. We don’t like you to wear short sleeved shirts because somewhere in our subconscious we worry that by doing so you will one day become a darts player ie, fat and ugly with a slight smell of stale peanuts. They look cheap and kind of like you’ve been to shop in H and M children’s section and even if you have (no VAT bargains galore, just so you know) we don’t want to know about it.
White; There is only one man I think of when I think about white clothing, that’s right, it’s Peter Stringfellow. That point alone should be enough to make you stay away, Peter Stringfellow only gets away with wearing white because he is Peter Stringfellow and any woman that sleeps with him is certainly not doing it for his fashion credentials. You are not Peter Stringfellow, so you should not wear white. Ever.
Ed Hardy; Ed Hardy is like the River Island of the mens fashion world; they take seemingly normal clothes and then vomit shit all over them. This clothing is actually so offensive to a woman’s eyes that should you approach her in one of his t-shirts you should be prepared for her to start weeping on sight and should probably come prepared with a box of Kleenex. Please note however, that the kindness of the Kleenex will not make up for the shitness of the shirt.
Ed Hardy, like normal clothes, but shitter
Football Shirts; Firstly why the hell are they so god damn shiny? When men watch football they generally couple it with two things 1. Getting drunk and 2 Getting excited, what happens when a man gets drunk and excited in a shiny t-shirt? He gets sweaty you can see where I’m going with this sweaty, drunk, looking like you are wrapped in glorified tin foil = going home alone.
Cycling shorts; These were pretty wrong, ok very wrong, when we all had to wear them as children for gym class. So, put on a pair of these bad boys as a grown man and you can guarantee the only thing that will be getting close to your nether regions is elastane.
Footwear Faux Pas:
Here’s the big issue here, we all know women love shoes, and when I say love I mean we would probably sell our best friends for a pair of Louboutins. So, when we started dating a man we want him to share our passion, ok maybe share is a bit strong that would be a modern day miracle, but at the very least we want him to be wearing something half decent. This is why footwear had to be in a section of its own;
Sports shoes; Are you going for a jog? No. Are you going for a quick kick around with the boys? No. Then why are you wearing a pair of sports shoes? Sport shoes don’t go with anything, you can’t wear a sports shoe to the pub or to the cinema, so, if we see you wearing sports shoes we think we can’t take you to the pub or the cinema. Granted this mostly for the fear of ridicule from other women whose boyfriends aren’t wearing sports shoes but either way you’re dateless.
Crocs; Crocs were designed to be worn on sailing boats because the holes in the sides of them let the water flow through them, which makes us question how on earth they because so popular with people who live in the city. Unless you have a penchant for jumping in puddles, they are possibly the most heinous footwear faux pas of them all, I mean, brightly coloured rubber clogs? Seriously? I shouldn’t even have to be spelling this one out for you.
Loafers; Now there is a certain type of man that women like to call a “Spiv”, Spivs wear cheap polyester suits, hair gel despite the fact that no one has used hair gel since the 1990’s, refer to themselves as young professionals and are always wearing loafers. Sure these hideous slip ons will get the girls talking but all they will be saying is – “Remember that guy in the loafers?”, “Yeah, what an absolute Spiv”.
Of course this list is not exclusive, who could forget the Hawaiian shirt, not retro but rubbish. And accessories, well they could have had a whole article to themselves – medallions and diamond studded earrings? 50 Cent never makes the best dressed lists for a reason boys. The best advice is keep it simple, and if your male friend likes it, it’s almost certainly a no go for women, encouraging each other to wear slogan t-shirts? Now come on, it’s just cruel.
