Somewhere else on the internet, a piece entitled “10 Facebook Tips” has captured the imagination, possibly because it’s so dull. Here’s the proper stuff you need to be doing to get the most out of the social media phenomenon/global irritant…

1: Stop it with all the photos

Just choose the best ones please and keep it to the absolute minimum. You had a nice night out with your mates and that’s lovely. Subsequently uploading so many pics so that the rest of us can recreate your nocturnal adventures in ACTUAL REAL TIME isn’t cool.

2: Don’t ‘like’ your own status update

Rare, but seen way more often than it should. The own-status-like is usually pulled off when a FB user is particularly pleased with an update of their own. Seeing this is worse than watching you pleasuring yourself orally. Don’t do it.

3: Stay offline for Facebook Chat – all the time

This is vital. Get this wrong and you’ll find yourself ambushed into online conversations with those people that you haven’t seen for years but added to FB in a moment of sympathetic weakness. THERE’S A REASON why you haven’t seen them for years and it’ll all become clear during your online chat.

Wow – you did a breed and had a youngling! Go you! Sadly, the truth behind all of this is that your kid is just another oxygen-sucking nobody.

4: Don’t become Facebook friends with your mates’ kids

Not because you’ll find yourself constantly monitoring your language and choice of FB content – more so because anyone under the age of 25 is a fucking idiot.

5: Understand that your child is not special

Wow – you did a breed and had a youngling! Go you! Sadly, the truth behind all of this is that your kid is just another oxygen-sucking nobody. Bombarding us with pictures of every poxy little developmental leap along with gushing status updates about what a ‘miracle’ you’ve spawned will only make us cheer louder when the sprog grows up and ends up in a young offender’s institute.

6: Don’t link Facebook to your Twitter account

Firstly, you’ll clog things up with your endless Twitter musings and make everyone detest you. Secondly, if the people of Facebook wanted to read your tweets, they’d go on Twitter. But they won’t because they’re too thick to figure it out.

7: Stop being vague and needy

Cryptic status updates along the lines of ‘Never felt this low before’ or ‘Heart hurting’ are cynical, manipulative attempts to garner waves of sympathy from anyone who vaguely knows you. If they had any sense they’d unfriend you in a heartbeat you creepy little freak.

8: Stop sending game requests

If reading about your exploits on Hidden Chronicles and FarmVille wasn’t galling enough for any right-thinking individual, sending out a ‘personal’ (mass-sent) invitation for us normals to join in with your time-sucking bullshit is like being poked in the eye with a hot skewer. Kindly fuck off quickly.

9: Learn to spell

‘Yesss! I mite be goin 2 Ibeetha for a fortnite soon!’ is not acceptable from an adult. The only place you should be going is adult education classes for a basic skills diploma. And don’t get us started on your LOLs and your ROFLs…

10: Stop adding people who aren’t your real friends

No one has 1,723 friends in real life. A friend is someone who’ll lend you a tenner until payday. If you had 1,723 of those people in your life, you’d be able to fleece them all at the same time and start a new life in the Canary Islands.

Keep it tight, eh?

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