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What I Learnt As A Catholic School Girl
The world is a strange place, it gets a lot stranger after a Catholic education.
I’m not really sure why they did it, but thirteen years ago my parents (not exactly regular attendees of our local church) decided to send my brother to the local Catholic school. Wooed by the promise of a farm (which is another article entirely) I followed three years later. Thus begun my emersion in Catholicism. Seven years later I emerged, an atheist and unaware that classrooms could be decorated without the need for a sculpture of Jesus on the cross. For those of you who didn’t spend trips to churches trying to see if holy water burned you, here is what I learnt from Catholic education.
Saying ‘don’t have sex’ is not a form of contraception: I received two ‘sex education’ sessions during my time at school. The first of these occurred two weeks into my first term; my form tutor spent half an hour telling us how ‘she wouldn’t let a man put his disgusting member into her.’ She then listed all the STDs you can get from sexual interaction. Safe to say at eleven years old I hadn’t even begun to consider the idea of treatment for gonorrhoea, let alone what a life with Aids would consist of. The next came in year 10, this time my religious education teacher read out what happens when a woman has an abortion. Queue a whole room of girls in tears and a stampede of dolly shoes towards the pro-choice badges.Yes my RE teachers had pro-choice badges, they somewhat served in the place of prefect pins.
Surprisingly this did not prevent promiscuity, in fact somehow I think this encouraged it. Music practice rooms were almost never used for piano practice, and our school blazers were used to great cloaking effect. Rosary beads were also banned as girls were using them to attract attention to their cleavage. I’m sure that’s what they were intended for.
Yet despite this mental torture, two years after leaving school six girls in my year are now mothers. This does not count the guys and their exploits (that is possibly in double figures), abortions or girls we have lost track of. I guess it’s gonna take more than 2000 years to sell abstinence or coitus interruptus to 16 year olds.
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You can’t make worship cool: For the first three years the music department tried to rewrite rap songs and put them in a religious context. This didn’t make mass fun. Then they put dance in the liturgies- but that just became oddly sexual; 13 year old girls shouldn’t roll about on the floor to the lyrics ‘joyful lord we adore thee’, neither should the theme from pearl harbour be used as a form of prayer. I also can no longer listen to Bryan Adams ‘Everything I do I do it for you’ as it was shown, every Easter, along with a video showing Christ being crucified…I honestly would have preferred if they had shown us ‘Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves’, it would have been marginally less torturous.
The there was retreat. Retreat is when you’re sent to a tiny isolated place and told to bond with each other, meditate and love God. In reality the scary kids went to smoke in the woods whilst I spent the whole day in the meditation room asleep…I mean thinking deeply about God. One guy tried to convert us by doing interpretive dance, safe to say a 40 year old pretending to be a toddler is never a crowd pleaser.
They get extremely defensive: Apparently they get a bit touchy when you bring up the crusades, or the fact that the design argument is utter bollocks. Using that exact wording does not make you popular in the religious education department. They also don’t like it when you pretend that the holy water in the ash wednesday ash is burning you, or when you tell year sevens that if they get bellow a C in R.E they will be exorcised. They especially don’t like it when you Nazi salute Pope Beni. Yeah, you’d have though that after all these scandals they would have developed a sense of humour
People who have attended such schools have a weird connection: It’s like a strange alcoholics anonymous style group. You meet another ex-catholic schooler, most of the time they have become an atheist, most of the time they giggle too when you mention the versatile nature of the prayer room. They too have repeatedly been subjected to people asking if you were taught by albino monks (fuck you Dan Brown) or that they thought catholic school girls only existed in porn. Life is strange on the outside.
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COMMENTS
I went to a Catholic school and still practice my faith. I still remember the two main Christian beliefs. Love your neighbour as yourself and love God with all your heart. If you are an atheist well so be it, but the other commandment is not a bad rule for life is it ? Where else do you hear this message in today's cynical self centred world ? Joe
What a stupid article, neither funny nor informative. Never found the Nazi salute that funny either. I agree with the comment from Joe, shame you did not pick up on the true Christian message. Helen
Sure you're not still at school Rachael, worst bit of year 11/12 journalism I've read in a long time.Sounds like you had some really, really crazy experiences. Pleased to hear they didn't care for Nazi salutes either. That one about the holy water had my sides splitting with mirth, and as for the music rooms....well you little minx you. Absolute garbage.
So why are faith schools oversubscribed, and out perform non faith schools. Agree with all the other comments about the Nazi salutes, but in keeping with the article really.
Absolute nonsense..don't pursue a career in journalism Rachael
Aren't faith schools oversubscribed and over performing....must be doing something right. Believe very little in this article.. Very poor.
Agree with all comments made.An article of pure nonsense....is it some kind of wind up???
I can't believe people still send there kids to faith schools . sad .
Is this article for real..??
I went to a Catholic school...loved it, got a great education and moral framework for life. Not quite sure what Rachael is writing about in this article.
Sorry Rachael, agree with Joe's original commnets 100%. It really is a shame in all your years at school, you did not, or chose not to hear the true Gospel message
This article is tosh of the highest calibre....' nuff said.
I'm glad you all had a positive experience of school, but this is based on what I saw at school. 100% true and others I have spoken to have raised similar issues.
Well I'm pleasedvto hear "they don't like it when you nazi salute Pope Beni"....never saw the funny siide of a Nazi salute myself
Ridiculously true. Painfully true. My teachers went so overboard trying to drill into us that Catholicism was the only way to go in life, jokes in poor taste were the only thing we had left to lighten the mood. It doesn't help that, once I hit sixth form, my teachers gave up entirely and spent the one hour a week we had making us watch 'The Shawshank Redemption' on repeat and laughing with us at how unstructured classes were. I'm sure it's different in other places and I do know people from my school that still practise their faith with a smile, but all it left with me were hazy memories of being told off for asking about other religions and being given the answer "Because God doesn't need a reason, sex is just wrong." Good lessons for a pubescent teen trying to find answers? I think not.
Sorry...poor article. I had a Catholic education in an inner city school. The best education I could have hoped for, as did many of my friends....set us up for life. Great teachers, great ethos, great people. Far too easy to knock and take the Micky.....have you seen the quality of the alternatives on offer...??
Crap article.
Have agree with all the negative feedback on this artilcle. I had a Catholic education in th 90s and iin all apects it was very good
Loved my time at Catholic school...gave a lot of boys a good start in life.
What an inane article
"They especially don’t like it when you Nazi salute Pope Beni. Yeah, you’d have though that after all these scandals they would have developed a sense of humour"......you were absolutely bonkers !!! One crazy lady!! This article is the worst I have ever read on Sabotage Times...and there are plenty of naff ones.
I had a Catholic education and enjoyed every minute of it. I do not recognise it in this fatuous article. I am happy and proud to say that all my children attend Catholic schools, and long may this continue to be the case for the thousands of parents who make this choice.
You're getting a right slating on this one aren't you Rachael. Thoroughly deserved, as you've tried to be really funny and smart, but have failed miserably . I've re read it a number of times....it is hilariously bad, and I'm atheist.
Can't complain about my time at Catholic school. I don't believe much in the article.
hey rachael. ive read three of your articles and laughed out loud at some of your social commentary. you are astute and funny, and the way you write is engaging. you are a talented young writer. what a bunch of defensive, humourless knob ends...
ha. my comment is awaiting moderation... hey rachael. ive read three of your articles and laughed out loud at some of your social commentary. you are astute and funny and the way you write is engaging. i think you a a talented young writer. what a bunch of defensive, humourless... people.
I enjoyed my time at my Catholic high school
Rachael, great article, stirring up the Catholics always cracks me up!! :-)
Don 't give up the day job Rachael.....with that in mind, mine's a cheeseburger, chips and coke......
What a load of tripe. Catholic schools are renowned for providing a good education. Grow up Raachel.
0/10 Rachael. Must try harder.
Great article, Rachael. I went to Catholic school in Ireland, but here we just call it school. Fourteen years of it and included in that were two years as an altar boy. Needless to say I was atheist long before I was out of it. R.E. teachers are strange auld fish. One guy (a replacement for the one who ran off with the school priest) asked us to design a ritual. I obliged but the result landed me a visit to the principal's office... Anyway, keep up the good work.
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