Would it shock you to know that Daventry is the only place in Britain safe from a terrorist attack? That’s right: Daventry, a small market town in Northamptonshire; population of some 20,000.
The rest of you - that’s 99.967% of the British population - are living in what can only be described as a terrorist wonderland. Statistically speaking, you are a ticking time bomb, an atrocity waiting to happen. Every day of your life represents another dab on Al Qaeda’s bingo card.
It’s time to wake up!
Open your eyes. Take a walk through the towns and villages of this land and tell me what you see. Look closely. Look at that wheelie bin with its lid left ajar. Look at the rotund “child” perched on a park bench. Look at the bearded office worker; what’s that he’s got - is it a biscuit tin?
Too late!
You are now being blown 200 feet into the air – in multiple directions; another notch on the terrorist’s bedpost. And the truth is - you’ve nobody to blame but yourself.
You’re an idiot. The threat was right in front of you and you didn’t see it - and now you’re dead.
You thought you could breeze through life without a care in the world. You were too busy squawking about the latest eviction on Who’s Been Framed or prancing around in front of your GameCube console to worry about the terrorists.
And if you’re reading this in Daventry and feeling rather smug about yourself – stop! You’re just as likely to die horrifically at the hands of a fundamentalist killing machine as the rest of these imbeciles.
I used Daventry only as an example. It’s roughly the size of town that would be created if all British airports were squeezed together to form a golden fortress of anti-terror sanity and sense. A security oasis where one could browse the ceramic tiled streets and visit the many sock and tie shops without fear of exploding pedestrians.
While our airports continue to lead the fight against terrorism, the rest of this country stumbles blindly into a deadly minefield of our own making. Who protects us from the terrorist when we visit the Spar Shop or play badminton at the leisure centre?
For anyone who didn’t receive the Daily Mail’s intelligence briefing; the Frankenbomber is a new breed of terrorist who uses his or her anal cavity to store and detonate bombs.
Nobody! We all start to take personal responsibility for anti-terrorism.
With this in mind I have compiled this handy guide to provide you with the basics of becoming an anti-terrorist.
Q. I want to beat the terrorist, but how should I do it?
A: You must start to view the world through the crazed eyes of a psychopathic killer. It is only by allowing ourselves to adopt the deranged mindset of fanatical lunatics that we start to appreciate the horrors that surround us.
For an experienced anti-terrorist this becomes second nature. Wherever I travel, I am constantly thinking of the most depraved and diabolical ways to kill the maximum number of civilians.
Let’s say I’m visiting a swimming pool. On the surface this looks like a perfectly safe and well-maintained council facility. But my mind is already working overtime. I’m frantically taking notes, sketching diagrams.
Everywhere I look, I can see a grotesque water based festival of death, carnage and destruction - on a massive scale.
I see a terrorist dropping a mains powered radio into the foot wash area. I see another one scurrying up the diving board clutching a sniper rifle and some pipe bombs. And there’s another one, wearing a lifejacket made out of bombs, who is being fired down the water chute.
I can see it all so vividly; this is a nightmare version of Wipeout with blood everywhere and Richard Hammond replaced by a cackling Osama Bin Laden.
The more I sketch the higher the death toll rises.
One can see, therefore, how effective this simple technique is in exposing the multitude of terrorist threats which infest our public spaces. It is then simply a matter of using the local newspapers to shock the public into action.
This is the same method which has helped anti-terrorists to expose the terrifying lack of security found at British garden centres. These places, with their quantities of fertilizer, bedding gravel and terracotta pots, are a sickly sweet feast of honey for the terrorists – who are like bees.
Q: How do I spot a terrorist?
A: This is one of the most common questions I’m asked – and the most idiotic. It shows a complete failure to grasp the fundamental rule of anti-terrorism – everyone is a terrorist.
Yes, everybody: the Muslim fanatic, the superstar wrestler, the Beefeater, the newborn baby, the trolley collector. They are all terrorists. It is the default state of all living creatures - until we can prove otherwise.
The elderly tourist taking photographs of Wakefield Town Hall is a terrorist. He could easily be collating intelligence for an Al Qaeda bazooka attack.
The drunken student in his “hilarious” Osama Bin Laden attire is a terrorist. It is only a matter of time before extremists use the costumed horseplay of Rag Week as cover for a terror campaign.
Whether these people are actually terrorists is not important – they’re probably not; but they could be. And the stakes are too high in this game of poker to leave anything to the roll of the dice.
Q: I have read in the Daily Mail about the threat of the Frankenbomber – is this a joke?
A: Certainly not. The Frankenbomber represents the greatest terrorist threat to mankind since the invention of the airplane. Make no mistake – the anal passage is the new battleground of terrorism.
For anyone who didn’t receive the Daily Mail’s intelligence briefing; the Frankenbomber is a new breed of terrorist who uses his or her anal cavity to store and detonate bombs.
And if you’re reading this in Daventry and feeling rather smug about yourself – stop! You’re just as likely to die horrifically at the hands of a fundamentalist killing machine as the rest of these imbeciles.
Q: How can we defeat these Frankenbombers?
A: This is indeed a formidable challenge.
The entire anti-terrorist rule book has been thrown out the window. We now live in a twisted security world in which Fern Britton, with her stomach stapled safely below the 150 ml limit, poses much less of a terrorist threat than the emaciated Fearne Cotton.
The only solution is to start focussing on the human bomb makers – the people who have access to the nation’s anal passages. When we follow this trail of breadcrumbs back through the lower intestines and out through the rectum we find our line-up of suspects.
Let’s see who we have here:
Proctologists: This is a “doctor” who specialises in anuses. A strange career choice for any sane individual, one might think. Unless, of course, there is an ulterior motive.
Homosexuals: This is a person who gains access to other men’s back passages under the guise of entertainment. A more fertile landscape for Frankenbombing is hard to imagine.
Airport security officers: The most terrifying of them all. It is entirely feasible that the airport security worker, with his hand placed reassuringly up your back passage, is not in fact searching for bombs - he’s planting them!
This is the diabolical world in which we now live.
Q: Do you have any final advice for budding anti-terrorist experts?
A: In asking me for advice you have clearly not taken a blind bit of notice of anything I have said. How on earth do you know that I’m not a terrorist?
What better guise for a terrorist than to present himself to the world as an anti-terrorist who appears on websites to bring good-minded and expert advice on defeating terrorism? As it happens I’m not a terrorist - but then I would say that wouldn’t I?
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