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Peter Cook's 10 Funniest Lines
Here's all the proof you'll ever need that no other comedian can hold a candle to Peter Cook.
In Character
i) George Spigott (aka The Devil), Bedazzled: “It’s the standard contract. Gives you seven wishes in accordance with the mystic rules of life. Seven days of the week, Seven Deadly Sins, Seven Seas, Seven Brides For Seven Brothers…
ii) Awesomely-addled Prime Minister Sir Mortimer Chris, Whoops Apocalypse: “Now, to another matter; the record levels of unemployment. Many say that unemployment is the result of government mismanaging and underspending. Nothing can be further from the truth. We all know the real cause of unemployment, don’t we, gentlemen? Unemployment, in this country, is caused by pixies.”
iii) The Dagenham Dialogues - “Bloody Great Garbo”
iv) EL Wisty, Philosopher: “The interesting fact about the grasshopper is its disproportionate leaping ability due to its powerful hind legs. Hop, hop, hop it goes, all over arable land. That’s land that was actually tilled by Arabs. And I’ll tell you the interesting fact about the Arab. The interesting fact about the Arab is that he can go for a whole year on one grain of rice… No, that’s the mosquito. I get those muddled up because they’re next door to each other in the dictionary: mosquito and mosques.
v) “And now, this year’s most exciting discovery - Drimble Wedge & The Vegetations!” Bedazzled:
I was wondering if they had any alternate lines like ‘Never mind, Mr Parkinson - now I can whip off your bails’. Or ‘Never mind, Mr Parkinson - now you can show me your googlies’.
In Conversation
vi) “You Rang?”: Peter Cook receives a phone call from the “Bubonic Plagiarist” himself David Frost. “Peter, I’m having a little dinner party on behalf of Prince Andrew and his bride-to-be Sarah Ferguson. I know they’d love to meet you - big fans. It’d be super if you could make it - Wednesday 12th.” “Oh, hang on, I’ll just check my diary,” Cook replies. “On dear, I find I’m watching television that night.
vii) Turning the tables of Michael Parkinson: “I want to ask you something, Michael. You know that advert you did for The Sunday Times, when you go out and play cricket? You’re looking very expert and then you’re out first ball. Then as you’re going off, a pretty lady comes up and says, ‘Never mind, Mr Parkinson - maybe you’ll score later’. I was wondering if they had any alternate lines like ‘Never mind, Mr Parkinson - now I can whip off your bails’. Or ‘Never mind, Mr Parkinson - now you can show me your googlies’.
viii) On learning Elizabeth Taylor’s glands were behind her weight issues: “Poor woman. There she is, in her suite in the Dorchester, harmlessly watching television. Suddenly her glands pick up the phone and order two dozen éclairs and a bottle of brandy. ‘No,’ she screams, ‘please, I beg you!’ but her glands take no notice. Determined glands they are, her glands. You’ve never known glands like them. The trolley arrives and Elizabeth Taylor hides in the bathroom, but her glands, her glands take the éclairs, smash down the door and stuff them down her throat. I’m glad I haven’t got glands like that. Terrible glands.”
In Excelsis
ix) Peter Cook’s unique approach to life: “I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’m sure I can repeat them exactly.”
x) And finally, in all its Amnesty awareness-raising glory, we proffer ‘Entirely A Matter For You’
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COMMENTS
Now, is it Streeb-Greebling or Greeg-Streebling?
You're missing the quote which goes something like - grab life by the throat, wrestle it to the ground and kick it to death.
Just goes to show, it's in the delivery
“I want you to lay down your life, Perkins… we need a futile gesture at this stage. It will raise the whole tone of the war”, “Yessir” says Perkins, “Get up in a crate, Perkins, pop over to Bremen, Take a shufti, and don’t come back”
To one-legged man auditioning for Tarzan - "Your left leg is fine. I've got nothing against your left leg. Unfortunately, neither have you"
When asked about his relationship with the actress, Shelly Winters, Cook replied... "One swallow doesn't make a summer"
"Just because my name is Jolly it doesn't mean I've to be jolly all the fucking time." Although that's more down to Edmundson and Rivron.
funny funny man, I used to work in the rcj, Pete was there quite a lot funny first thing in the morning, but after lunch hilarious , always worth going to work knowing Pete was in the building, gone but never forgotten,
In an interview someone, it might have been Parkinson, asked him if there was anything he'd ever said or done that he regretted. He answered "Yes, I once saved David Frost from drowning" Funny and apparently true. Cook was appearing in a tour of "Beyond The Fringe" in America, they were staying in a house with a pool when Frost visited. Cook made a big effort to be polite and friendly, even though he loathed Frost, suggesting that because it was so hot he might like to cool of in the pool. Frost went in,even though he couldn't swim and got into trouble. Hearing the noise the other guests ran outside saw the two of them in the water and thought at first that Cook was trying to kill him. Frost had a reputation for stealing other performers ideas and material,they called him the "Bubonic Plagiarist" Cook had gone to the BBC ( after his success with "Establishment" club) with the idea for a weekly satirical show, he heard nothing more about it, then he came home from abroad and saw "That Was The Week That Was" fronted by Frost.
The great man died on 5 January 1995. Still can't quite believe he left us two whole decades ago.
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