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5 Ways To Drastically Improve Match Of The Day
The excitement that football is back is tempered by the fact that once again we'll have to withstand Gary Lineker and his platitude spouting chums. But God knows it doesn't have to be this way.
Match of the Day on a Saturday Night, the culturally engrained equivalent of a weekly Christmas Dinner, with extra sprouts, adhered to religiously under influence of bad habit, lack of inspired choice and various toxins. Still we resentfully watch, with a flaccid sense of hope that it’ll be different from the previous season. Eyelids tellingly droop as our souls collectively leak away through the bottom of the couch, never to return. Like getting served bad bangers and mash in a Gastro pub, you find yourself asking “How did you manage to get that wrong?” It’s just a football highlight package. However, somehow it manages to feel like watching football in a Rumbelows showroom surrounded by guests from a particularly bad wedding. Here are 5 suggestions for change that may bring it in line with the vastly improved MOTD2:
1. Anchorman
Gary Lineker or “The Velvet Owl” as Stewart Lee sarcastically christened him. More like a perma-tanned vulture dressed in an epilated shirt. Set up on a perch to peck his pundits with questions so achingly predictable that could have been sent to the studio on a postcard three weeks prior by a Geography Teacher from Orkney whose only previous interest in football was a fleeting game of Subbuteo in 1991. Gary needs a shake; he needs some serious competition for the hot seat. Every other week they should place the superb Mark Chapman, the enthusiastic Colin Murray or even that Matt bloke who did Football Focus last season just to keep him on his toes. Lineker may then have to up his game from the slightly bashful grin and flashes of charming self-deprecation he’s relied on since They Think It’s all Over in the mid-Nineties. It’s a flawed long-term TV persona because it became boring five years ago. MOTD producers probably hope he’ll eventually emulate the vastly overrated Des Lynham but the reality is that they need another angle on the Anchorman role before Gary Lineker greys away into the mould of Frank Bough, David Colemen or Dickie Davies before our very frustrated eyes.
Gary needs a shake; he needs some serious competition for the hot seat.
2. Pantomime Action
What’s this? A sudden piece of edited VT that shows us Peter Crouch being subbed on for Spurs with 10 minutes to go? “That’s strange” you think “There must have been other substitutions in the game, why are they only showing this one?” Two minutes later and the bastard son of Ian Ormondroyd and Martina Navratilova pops up and scores the winner and a horrible sense of betrayal creeps across your evening. Why telegraph these events? Why ruin it for us? Showing us a booking for a particular player and not another is letting us know he’s getting sent off in approximately 6 minutes time. We don’t need these dramatic cues, this isn’t Hollyoaks, and we don’t need to watch with subtitles for the stupid. Leave the pantomime villains and golden heroes to Roy of the Rovers and just let us watch the action. This also goes for their handling of anything slightly controversial or sweary or a particularly bad tackle. They’re quick to warn us about what we’re going to see is a bit ‘disturbing’ or that bad language may happen. What do they think we all see at actual football games, with swearing, bad tackles, violence, dirty songs, spitting and beer and stuff? It’s as if real football matches are an uncivilised wildness war zone that they report back from. They need to accept football as a whole and accurately reflect it. That is after all their remit, is it not?
3. Choice of Pundits
Hansen and Lawro™. Stan Lawro™ and Oliver Hansen. Defenders of the faith, two relics of the Grandstand school of sports coverage, shorn of hideous golfing sweaters, forced into tight trousers and smart casual posturing on a massive sofa. Undeterred by the inability to conjure anything insightful or provocative from their collective back catalogue of facileness they resort crushingly to type. Hansen’s terse robotic style and dry Scottish delivery keeps his shiny hair well below the parapet whilst Lawro™ relies single-handedly on unbridled sarcasm with occasional unexciting slivers of pure Northern disdain. Parched to death comments that will pungently plop out of his strange mouth and float effortlessly over his shredded wheat hair into the ether. You’ll never win anything with quips Lawro™. Both need to go. At the least they need separated or given a strict set of instructions on how to not appear jaded, smug and/or condescending to the viewing public and the entire world of modern football. And of course that Red Lawro™ , Yellow Lawro™ should never, under any circumstances grow, or attempt to grow back , his moustache. We currently seem stuck with them. Whilst the relative qualities of Nevin, Dixon, O’Neill, Dublin, Hartson, Keown and many more have failed to break the dynamic. There’s also an able apprentice in the tight trousered shape of dullness that is Alan Shearer. A man who has clearly creosoted Linekers skin enough times to warrant a bit of payback riding the chariot of knee capping frustration that is MOTD. Stop it. Shearer is an anti-pundit. Take a lead from the outstanding 5-live and try some new people. Jason Roberts, Dean Kiely and even Robbie Savage add freshness. Just listen to the quality discussion that is the Monday Night Club on 5-Live where Motson more than holds his own against Claridge, Chapman and guest journalists for an example of how it should be done. However by the time the BBC realises they’ve been left behind it’ll be far too late and we’ll all be watching Sky.
4. Obsession With Goals
MOTD needs to decide whether it’s a children’s show or not. Currently it’s for everyone but comes across, much like Top Gear, as being aimed at the expectation levels of an 8 year old boy. They promise goals, goals and more goals. Lineker even tallies the amount of goals at the top of the show, as if nothing else happens in a game worthy of note. MOTD has now become You’ve Been Framed but instead of camcorder mishaps as the TV porn of choice is goals scored. As if the producers are terrified we’ll all switch off should the nipple count of net busters fall below the irrelevant benchmark set the by previous weeks quota. It even affects their choice of games to devote the most coverage to. An important 1-1 draw between two sides chasing European qualification is demoted in favour of a 4-3 “thriller” between Bolton and Sunderland due seemingly to the aggregate goals count only. As any football fan knows goals are not only where it’s at, some of the most exciting games I’ve ever seen have been low scoring or goalless. What’s wrong with focussing on some tactics, some great team moves or some fantastic saves? This is not American sport; we don’t need to see the scoreboard change every few minutes to retain interest. Show us the goals just don’t make it the focal point of the entire show. And, if indeed MOTD is for kids then make it known and we’ll watch the better Sunday night product. Just don’t leave us trapped in this unpleasant valley with mountains of patronising nonsense on one side and a range of half-baked opinion and glimmers of serious football chat on the other.
5. Self Questioning
This is a phenome-not that isn’t just confined to football but MOTD would do well to adopt a zero tolerance policy to pundits asking themselves obvious questions then answering them badly all within the same sentence. They all do it, some are worse than others, Lawro™ for example: “Do I think Arsenal have enough quality to mount a title challenge? Yes. Do I think they’ll win it? No” or “Do I miss my tashe? Yes. Does Souness miss his? No.” At this point your head is bursting, the voices inside it are screaming for mercy or murder. “Stop asking yourself shit questions!” you wail as your mental stability topples from its perch crashing down amongst the empty cans. It’s sadly indicative of the state of the punditry and the anchorman that this has crept into the script of the show. A line needs drawn in the sand. It’s bad enough that all footballers and managers are endlessly replicating the style in their post match interview s without us being treated to it in the studio too. Please can the BBC issue a policy of no self-questioning across all its Television and Radio presenters and pundits for the sake of television coverage over the next 10 years? Let’s start with MOTD as it seems endemic amongst the ‘talent’ that occupies the psychedelic-couch-inside- a-virtual-football design of the studio. Then we may finally start to get the punditry we deserve.
Colin Murray, Stop Ruining My Sunday Night
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COMMENTS
I agree about the reliance on goals, there's so much more to football. i really like Colin Murray's enthusiasm and cheeky way, i also like Steve Claridge as he's spikey and passionate. Lawro and Hansen were centre half gods in my youth but they look bored with themselves now. The BBC pays a lot for the highlights they need to use it better.
As soon as you mentioned Colin Murray as a possible replacement, I stopped reading.
I live in Vietnam so have to download MOTD to get my weekly fix. I don't bother with the Saturday show, I just download MOTD2 which shows all the weekend's goals and is a much more intelligent show. Colin Murray is ace and Lee Dixon is a revelation with his knowledge, articulacy and enthusiasm. A football show for intelligent adults, who would've thought it.
I always thought Gordon Strachan added some actual tactical insight and a bit of wit too.
Eric, each to their own mate, each to their own. He seems to abe a bit Marmite but I am a firm fan, he's a breath of fresh air. Fiesty, challenging, intelligent and enthusiastic.
The BBC need to do something about their unreadable live website coverage of matches too. Some of their "reporters" stink the house out with their crap patter and riffs, no matter whether it's football, cricket or tennis.
Mark Lawrenson is a gigantic cock.
Mark Lawrenson has a gigantic cock.
Colin fucking Murray is the solution to nothing. Otherwise, not bad. But do I think mentioning Colin Murray ruins the article - Yes I do.
James Richardson would be awesome fronting Match of the Day.
Mark Lawrenson has a gigantic cock, which Colin Murray is usually found on the end of, whilst one of his wanky mates from Radio One, probably Edith, is doing Colin with a strap on.
Agreed, Gary Lineker should be allowed to do what he does best= advertise crisps , but Colin Murray? not the answer, you are right he is "enthusiastic" but so is a headless chicken, and do we want headless chickens presenting Match of the day? I for one do not.
I don't really understand the criticism Colin Murray is coming in for, none constructive so far. I honestly think some people (they won't admit it) can't get past the accent. Anyone else think James Richardson was a bit of a smug bastard when he did the Italian stuff on Channel 4?
I think Hansen and Lawro have become bored but also lazy. The only opinions they have seem to be regurgitating what everyone has already read in the press. Us lucky Irish have Eamonn Dunphy and John Giles. Giles for the tactical evaluation and Dunphy for completely biased and opionated fun. The main entertainment is agreeing with him wholeheartedly or calling him a complete knob. It steps up a notch when he clashes with Souness, Brady, Giles or all of them. No such confrontation to be seen on the Beeb...
Agree with just about all in this piece. Shocking arrogance of the BBC to continue with the presentation/personel when the vast majority of football fans know its past its sell by date. The sticking point - although failing to be constructive in my criticism of Mr. Murray as requested, I simply don't wish to watch my football in the company of a gibbering tool. A tool is a tool whatever the accent.
james richardson, pat nevin & gabriele marcotti should replace those old fools. keep robbie savage away from all microphones, he tries to hard to be a pundit.
Colin f-ing Murray? Pffft!
I think you should Sky+ it and skip the bits you don't like and stop fucking moaning.How about Big Ron presenting with Ian Wright and Julian Clarey as panelists
Phil - how did your analysis get past the moderators? Coz its true.
Colin Murray!!! In his rubbish book he wrote that the 56 cup final, when Trautman broke his neck, was won by Birmingham. Absolute chancer...
Interesting points with which to start a debate, but my main issue with it is why it starts at after 10.30 on a Saturday night, with the money spent on the rights it shoudl be prime time and about 9.00, repeat on 3 at 10.30 if you like, but get it on and get some decent debate going, all this can't defend for toffee shite from Hanson is gone on a decade too much. Get some controvery going and some proper analysis, compared to previous matches etc, not lazy rehashes of the same drivel ocnversation week upon week.
@TheCush Bang on!! RTE's Champions League coverage makes ITV and Sky's totally unwatchable. I think the distance gives them the freedom to call everything as they see it. Few people above mentioning James Richardson. Personally, I have always thought of him as a quality football broadcaster. Really knowledgable.
An excellent and thought provoking article with which I whole heartedly agree except for 1 thing, Colin Murray. No fucking way! Forget changing channel I would rather listen to my own screams as I insert a rusty corkscrew into my japs eye than have his voice raping my ears of a saturday night!
Apart from the Colin Murray points I agree completely. This sums up everything wrong with MOTD http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfQarImZ97Y
Why not get on some big name players not just mid and bottom table players or managers...id like to see Patrice Evra or Mario Balitelli how funny would that be :)
6) Stop alwways putting games involving the so-called big teams on at the beginning - was nice to see Stoke on 3rd yesterday, but disappointing to know that it was only because we played Liverpool.
As others have said Colin Murray is definately not the solution. His "enthusiasm" comes across as someone who doesn't really know or understand football. In fact I'd descibe his style as being akin to someone down the pub who doesn't really understand football but tries to join in with the 'lads' to be accepted. In my opinion it's all a bit fake and his fanboy Liverpool suporting is a bit much. As someone mentioned James Richardson would be superb...smug? He knows he knows much more about football than you or I and I don't mind that. I'd much rather be lectured to than think who's this idiot and his banal questioning like I do with Murray.
Get Mick McCarthy on every week.
The only person capable of steering MOTD out of its rut, is Cockney gobshite Danny Baker. Anyone recall his fleeting appearence on the show during the 2010 world cup? That was like a breath of fresh air of hurricane proportions.
Didn't realise this was a humorous article until I saw Colin Murray being touted as an alternative, a man who could be the template for everything that the new football supporter is, knows nothing about the game and spends an hour every week letting the world know this, total fucking bellend.
@Matt good call, I'd never considered him but Danny Baker has decent football knowledge and a modicum of wit. Gotta at least make the squad. Maybe bring him on for a weary Hansen, who's knackered after endlessly lambasting "sloppy defending!"
Good piece, all good points - the goals obsession isn't just MOTD to be fair. They should have input from people who are actually at games, rather than just watching studio monitors, Lawrenson does more live stuff with 5Live and is better for it.
"6) Stop alwways putting games involving the so-called big teams on at the beginning - was nice to see Stoke on 3rd yesterday, but disappointing to know that it was only because we played Liverpool." that is because everyone who support stoke doesn't want to watch them hurl the ball up to the big man.
"6) Stop alwways putting games involving the so-called big teams on at the beginning - was nice to see Stoke on 3rd yesterday, but disappointing to know that it was only because we played Liverpool." it's because people who don't support stoke don't want to watch them hurl the ball up to the big man
“Do I think Arsenal have enough quality to mount a title challenge? Yes. Do I think they’ll win it? No” or “Do I miss my tashe? Yes. Does Souness miss his? No.” Brilliant.
Whilst he is annoying on TV, I have always quite liked Murray on 5Live. However, as mentioned above, it is achingly obvious that AC Jimbo should be the anchor for MOTD2 at least. He is tailor made for it.
Spot on with the rest but Linekar is pretty decent and funny with his one liners, Like with Gyan leaving and Brucey fuming he quipped how "Brucey thinks he's got problems, Gyans in our opening credits" not high-larious sure but a damn sight better than that Cardigan wearing tryhard Murray and his leadbaloon gags.
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