Crime shows are brilliant aren't they? They're smart, and slick and the plots all...hang on, where was I?
I’m a huge fan of television crime shows. Give me a disgruntled detective, a clever plot, throw in a serial killer and I’ll happily waste many valuable socialising hours, muttering things like, “’OOOH a serial killer is on the run in Texas” and “wow, criminology is fascinating, I’d be excellent at that.” and “So he’s using a biscuit as a disguise? Impressive.” and then, suddenly -“HOT PERSON ON THE SCREEN, I REPEAT HOT PERSON ON THE SCREEN!!” and it all goes to hell in a handbag. Some might say I’m just easily distracted or impressively hormonal and while I’d agree with this, I also think it’s unfair to expect me to remember any sort of storyline with my libido obscuring my view.
So first we’ll look at the …
TOP FIVE MEN WHO SHOULDN’T BE IN TV SHOWS I HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO.
It’s a remarkable show but sadly all I hear in my head is; “I’m sexy. You know this. I know this. Look at the way I pull my t-shirt over my head in the opening sequence. There’s a bad man in town and I’m going to kill him. You’ll forgive me because of my handsome face. Sometimes I’m funny. I have a son! This makes me even more endearing, even my own sister is considering shagging me. WHAT’S THAT RED STUFF DEXTER?? It’s blood.”
2. Dr Reid (Criminal Minds)
The hot science/maths/everything genius who has a beautiful face and we’re meant to believe he’s never had a girlfriend thus making him vulnerable and turning every woman with working eyes into some sort of sexual predator given half the chance.
“I’m going to solve this case.” Yeah, whatever. Who gives a rat’s ass, no British police detectives look like you and if they did we’d all be murdering our neighbours in the hope that we’d be forced to sit in a small interrogation room with you. Naked.
This man is disgustingly handsome. He smiles and I’m like, ‘I have no idea what’s going on. Look at his teeth.’ This may not be the most serious of crime shows but 10 minutes into it I’m singing songs from Tangled and looking up IMDB to see how tall he is. (*cough* 6’4″ *cough*)
5. Michael Scofield (Prison Break)
This show finished a while back but I don’t know any woman who didn’t dribble slightly while watching it. Read into that as you will. The face. The tattoos, in fact ALL OF THE TATTOOS. His best lines in the show? I have no idea. I’m glad he died, I couldn’t have handled much more.
And now on to the females crime fighters. They’re excellent. Look at them running around being all emotional and high pitched while saving the world from men who want to blow it up and then cuddling their team members who find it all a bit too much before sobbing that they’ll never find true love. They’re good aren’t they? Well the answer to that is NO. NO THEY’RE NOT.
The truth is women in crime shows are nothing like that. We don’t actually find out whether they earn the same salary as their male colleagues but they’re tough, intelligent and unfortunately SEXY. Damn them. There you are, wondering how the FBI will ever stop that dastardly serial killer and then BAM!- up pops someone with pert breasts and a mighty fringe and you suddenly don’t give a fuck if the killer is caught or not.
TOP FIVE SEXUALLY DISTRACTING WOMEN IN A CRIME SHOWS
1. Alice Morgan (Luther)
She’s fucking nuts isn’t she? Luther’s trying to hunt down a corrupt police officer and she’s practically mounting him while she sharpens the contents of her knife block. We’re never quite sure whether she’ll actually kill Luther but you know if she did, it’d be the most erotic murder in history. And she’s a redhead – I have no idea why this matters, it just does.
2. Kim Bauer (24)
“KIM WE ONLY HAVE TWENTY-FOUR HOURS UNTIL THE PRESIDENT EXPLODES!!!”
‘No-one cares Dad. They’re all picturing me in my pants and vest. Can I have a gun now?” “No.”
3. Olivia Benson (Law and Order SVU)
How could anyone work with this woman? She doesn’t act, she smoulders. Another one on the list that would make me look into this whole lesbian thing I’ve been hearing so much about in the news recently. And of course she’s the daughter of Jayne Mansfield so this obviously means she bleeds sex.
4. Irene Adler (BBC Sherlock)
Oh that’s right, show us all a stunningly beautiful naked dominatrix and then ask us if we remember what’s going on in the plot, or even if we remember our own name. The answer to both of those questions is ’ nipples.’
5. Emma Peel (The Avengers)
I don’t know if anyone sexier has ever been involved in fake crime fighting. SHE INTERROGATED MEN BETWEEN HER FEET!! Enough said.
I’m also going to give a special mention to both Columbo and Jessica Fletcher – their shows both ran for 700 years based on the fact that no-one ever wanted to fuck them. So there you have it and you’re right, it is a frightening thought that women like me exist and are able to function normally in society. I’m sure we’ve all learned something useful from this, I’m just not sure what.