Yesterday I went to see Shame. Alone. In the afternoon like some sad old spinster wankmonkey. It’s already been reviewed here on Sabotage Times but the reviewer missed out one crucial point in my opinion.

That point is what the hell was going on with Michael Fassbender’s bush? The man has a jungle going on down there! Don’t get me wrong, it’s a gorgeous cock, and a very healthy length, but dear lord it’s messy!

Now I have to admit it’s been a while since I’ve seen a nekkid man in the flesh so to speak - ahhh the joys of early menopause! - but I can’t honestly remember the last time I saw a man with a full-on Tito Jackson in the 70’s afro going on in his crotch and I was fucking in the 70’s!

He was so hairy that if you gave him a blow job you’d be coughing up fur balls like a cat for weeks afterwards

The women in the movie all have either full Hollywood waxes or in the case of Carey Mulligan, a bit of a wild Brazillian, happening. It’s like they took all the hair they ripped off the snatches of the female actresses and stuck it on him. He was so hairy that if you gave him a blow job you’d be coughing up fur balls like a cat for weeks afterwards.

Now I’ve seen a cock or two in my time - the lines around my mouth aren’t from laughing or smoking - and I have had the misfortune to see men who’ve gone to the other extreme and shaved or waxed the lot off. That doesn’t work either; you know the bag of giblets you get with your Xmas turkey? That.

Also, one of the scariest sights known to man or woman is the sight of a naked man bending over. Now that shit is bad enough with hair adding the ‘soft focus’ effect, completely bald it’s just terrifying!

So here’s the thing fellas, don’t go and see the movie and think ‘Ooh Michael Fassbender is a handsome guy, he’s good with the ladies, and he’s got a full on Hair Bear explosion going on, perhaps I’ll emulate him’. Don’t do it lads, but do, on behalf of all womankind, do please trim and trim and trim.

Click here for more TV and Film

Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Twitter

Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Facebook