An over zealous friend of a friend thought it a good use of their time to stay up through the night and live tweet the Oscars, INCLUDING two hours of red carpet (I’m wearing this etc etc) coverage.

The academy took a punt this year, getting Family Guy’s Seth McFarlane in to host, which made for a less ass-kissy delivery than usual and some blindingly close to the bone one-liners, which broke up the monotony of tears, God-thanking and schmaltz. The anonymous tweeter made it right through until 6am; here are those, mostly pointless, 140 character insights.

Disclaimer: this was definitely not me. The “friend of a friend” definitely exists. Definitely.

Close your eyes & it’ll be like Brian Griffin is hosting…

• Unknown bird from Les Mis has her T’s OUT

• Regretting choosing E! for red carpet coverage. Asking Reese Witherspoon about hair products is insufferably dull
• Some sadistic individual invented then imposed upon us the “mani-cam”.Might JUST be able to hold on for Seth in 1hour. JUST.

• Silver Linings Playbook-first time in over 30 years ALL of main cast nominated for best actor/supporting etc etc
• Jennifer Lawrence mistook the ceremony for her own wedding

 

• I would wear Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a hat
• AND Dustin Hoffman. Granddad crush.
• Did Helen Hunt just say she was wearing H&M?

• Anne Hathaway is about the most disingenuine, grating personality e.v.e.r
• My life has come to listening to Kelly Osbourne talk about how beads are sewn onto a dress for over a minute
• Keith.Urban’s.Hair.

• Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner make me wish I were dead. #I’mSoLonely

• Ben Affleck’s beard has TWO Twitter accounts
• Jane Fonda=neon GILF

• Kristen Stewart rocks up on crutches. Post adultery partner’s ex-wife run in?

• Only George Clooney & Walt Disney have been nominated in SIX different categories at the #Oscars
• HA-hathaway just got told, “I had a hairdo like that in the 80s.” BURN
• Cute digs thick and fast from Seth. Chris Brown & Rhianna-he went there. N****s-he went there. Mel Gibson SAYING N****s-went there.
• Seth singing about which films “we saw your boobs” in.
• Well THAT was odd. And random. (Charlize & Channing’s pas de deux) #Oscars. Click here for a video of their Set McFarlane accompanied dance:

• Joseph Gordon Levitt doing the soft shoe shuffle. I die. I die. I die.

• Come oooon Christoph.
• YES CHRISTOPH!!!! 2nd Oscar for Supporting Male, both off the back of Tarantino films

• GIVE THE SIMPSONS AN #Oscar… Bollocks
• Seth accuses Clooney of paedophilia, then placates him with a mini bar bottle.
• Samuel L Jackson and Robert Downey Junior trying to out-mong each other. Off.their.faces.

• Life of Pi Life Of Pi Life of Pi yadedyade pretty but boring, yadeyade
• Hahahahahahah chasing off the over running speeches with Jaws theme tune this year. Genius. (triggering my latent phobia though)
• MASSIVE Bond tribute segment. Massive slap in the face with Skyfall only being nominated for the music
• The cockney squawker SHOULD be bricking it back stage having to follow Bassey
• A homeless girl won an Oscar?!
• 150 years later apparently still too soon for Seth’s Lincoln head blown off joke: “The actor who really got inside Lincoln’s head was John Wilkes Booth”
• ALL great nominees in documentary category this year. Especially the winner Searching For Sugarman & Five Broken Cameras
• This is the sort of musical interlude gay men trapped in women’s bodies, such as myself, live for. Chicago.Les Mis.Dreamgirls.

• OMG OMG OMG One Day More. LIVE. Theatre brat hyperventilation.
• TED IS ON STAGE. TED
• Ted is now asking where the post Oscars orgy is. Marky Mark points him to Jack Nicholson’s house.
• The Fast and the Furious won something?! The Fast and the mother fucking Furious.
• NOT looking forward to this speech, Hathaway
• Disgusting from the off, Hathaway. You WILDLY over estimate our interest in you. Play her the Jaws music
• Adele?! Is this Adele? Her mic needs turning up, and her voice needs tuning…

• Bassey schooled her
• Best Editing winner USUALLY gets Best Picture award too. LET’S GO ARGO
• BABS STREISAND delivers the swaggiest In Memorium section performance in recent memory.
• John Williams’ nomination this year for Lincoln will be his FORTY EIGHTH?!
• Pleeeeease let Adele get up there to make a speech.
• They let her. This is going to be good.
• Two hysterical cockneys. The place is stunned. Richard Gere is lost.

• Tarantino won for the first time since Pulp Fiction. Thanked his well-cast actors. Didn’t mention his jaw-droppingly awful cameo.
• If you haven’t seen Wes Anderson’s latest yet, check it out (they didn’t win anything btw)
• Ang Lee beats Speilberg to the Best Director prize for Life of Pi
• The room is gunning for the 9 year old to win Best Actress
• But Jennifer Lawrence pipped her. She tripped up. Got a standing ovation.
• Nearly done. Best Actor announcement coming up-how could you NOT give it to this guy?…

• The hottie in the sailor suit did NOT win. Daniel Day Lewis walked it. Snooze.
• That’s a hat trick for DDL. Never done before.  (My Left Foot 4eva) He doesn’t have hair like THIS anymore

• Aaaaaand Best Picture was awarded in the most batshit of circumstances; Jack Nicholson came on, introduced Michelle Obama, who videoed it in, flanked by veterans of some description. Oh, and Argo won.
• One wheel of goats cheese, two bottles of Aldi cava, SEVEN HOURS of tweeting; Focker O.U.T