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Lucy Sweet

Sabotaging since 8 Aug 2010

Lucy Sweet has been many things, including a journalist, author, cartoonist and musician. Now she's a part time copywriter and full time mother. Most evenings she sits around eating biscuits and venting all her bitterness and rage on the internet. Click here for Lucy's blog or here for Lucy's twitter..

My Articles

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TV

Celebrity Workout DVDs We’d All Like To see

Still yet to bring your xmas food baby to term? Just got a few unsightly inches you’d like rid of? Well, in an ideal world, these are the celebrities whose DVDs we’d be boxercising in the front room with. Please note: Not available from all good stockists.

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Film

French People Need to Cheer The Fuck Up: A Critique of French Cinema

Formula for French cinema: chain smoke ciggies, gaze longingly out the window and look constantly narked. Rinse. Repeat. Simple this film lark.

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Life

F*** You, Talking Smoothies

Whimsical tales of antioxidant bullshit and covering your van in grass doesn’t hide the fact you’re a multi-millionaire. Stop pretending you’re my friend and admit you’re just after my money.

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Sex

Middle Class Lady Porn: 50 Shades Of Farrow And Ball

Forget ball gags and ass paddles and instead paint your walls with some shimmering ganglion…

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Life

How To Throw A Kid’s Party

It’s all about cranking up the booze and binning the organic snacks, with these five simple rules for throwing a hassle free kids party.

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Fashion & Style

London Fashion Week: Why I Hate Fashion

Who needs fashion? It’s expensive, pointless and makes ordinary women look like plonkers, so this year the London Fashion Week brigade can do one…

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Life

Some Mysteries Of The Female Body, Explained

Despite having to pretend we’re made of sugar and spice and all things nice, girls are in fact human beings. So let’s get over it and start being honest about our bodies…

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Funny

How To Get Ahead in Advertising

From somebody who works in advertising, take it from me, most of it is torture. But here are some handy tips of how to bastardise what’s in vogue and get ahead of the pack.

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Food and Drink

Wotsits: An Appreciation

Cheesy, salty magic. Here’s why it’s Wotsits for me every time…

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Life

How to be Middle Class on a Budget

Not got the readies to quaff fine wine and posh cheese? Time to get thrifty then my dear. Get yourself down to Lidl and start up that home-school for Barnaby and Ashtanga. Chop chop.

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Life

I’m A Crap Mag Slag

I know it’s dirty, I know it’s wrong, but I’m on 12 a week now and just having a cheeky flick makes me feel alive like never before…

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TV

The Apprentice – Back Like A Boil Of Ambitious Business Pus

16 hopeless arseholes. 1 hairy barrow boy with a face like Sid James’ corpse. Karren Brady standing about rolling her eyes. Yes, it’s The Apprentice again.

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Fashion & Style

Naming And Shaming Britain’s Most Pretentious Clothes Catalogues

The days of the simple, straight clothes catalogue are over. Below are the worst offending pushers of cringeworthy pseudo-art…

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Film

TV Interior Designers I Have Loved

Once upon a time, crushed velvet fops like Laurence Llewelyn Bowen and perma-dungareed idiots like Tommy Walsh ruled the world. Life was better then…

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Life

The Art Guide to Glasgow

You might think it’s all chip shops and sectarian football nonsense, here’s why you’re wrong…

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Life

Viva BHS, Ann Summers and Greggs! Long Live the British High Street

As another institution of the Great British High Street dies a sorry death, we pay tribute to our nation’s favourite stores still thriving.

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Funny

Why I Fuc*ing Hate New Year’s Eve

In the build up to the most hotly anticipated New Year’s Eve since this time last year, we look through 5 reasons why paying silly money to be felt up in a two-hour bar queue might not be all it’s cracked up to be.

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Funny

Savile, Sooty and Schnorbitz: The Sadist BBC Sex Ring Deepens

But as the allegations now reach hysterical heights- with Leonard Rossiter and Bernie Winters in a four way with Magpie’s Molly Weir and John Noakes from Blue Peter – I feel it’s time I raised my lifelong suspicions about some other so-called ‘stars’.

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Music

If I Was Chris Brown’s Mum: A Short Play

A suburban living room. Chris Brown the singer/rapper lies on a DFS recliner listening to his Skullcandy headphones and eating a packet of Mini Cheddars. Enter mums, brandishing a large stick…

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Football

London 2012: Inspiring A Generation… To Sprint For That Last Steak Bake

Just because you can run that extra mile to Greggs doesn’t make you an Olympic athlete…

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Funny

GB, UK, WTF? A Solution To The Great British Branding Problem

It’s a clusterfuck, no-one has any idea who we are, people keep calling Team GB England and getting slaughtered and other nations laugh at us. It’s time for a change, it’s time for Bob…

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Life

Zombies, Pirates And Butterflies: Everyone Loves Face Painting

Who doesn’t love getting their face painted? Whether you’re a 4-year-old high on jelly or a granny with a face like a Halloween pumpkin, face painting means party time…

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TV

Eurovision 2012: Russia’s Baking Grannies And 4 Other Favourites To Win

Taking place in Baku in Azerbajan, this years Eurovision song contest is set to be as tacky as ever – from Russia’s bread bakers to Turkey’s mind boggling sea shanty, here are our top five favourites to win tonight…

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Life

Good Because It’s So Bad: Local Radio

Punk band The Ramones once sang ‘Let’s go! Rock and roll radio.’ Ironically, one thing that isn’t rock and roll in the slightest is British local radio, but here’s why we love it…

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TV

10 Reasons Why We Hated Last Year’s Brits

James Corden, James Corden, James Corden… but it doesn’t end there, the music biz’s back-slapping fest gets right up my nose much like the mountains of Colombian consumed by the countless industry wankers.

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Music

Made Up Extract’s From Tulisa’s Autobiography (Add Your Own)

It’s what the world has been waiting for…

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Food and Drink

Roast Bore: The Tedium Of Jamie’s Great Britain

Jamie Oliver is back on our screens, and this time he’s aiming his cheeky-chappy roadshow at discovering the roots of British cuisine. There’s cooking outdoors, happy-go-lucky racial stereotypes and boredom, teeth aching boredom…

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Film

X Factor 2011, Bootcamp: A Slap In The Face With A Glittery Kipper

Kendro got the chop, a Bret Michaels doll preened about, Kelly cried, Gary lied and Kitty lit up her nether regions like the Blackpool Illuminations…

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Life

No Groupon, I Don’t Want A Colonic

It’s the discount voucher code site which has preyed on our lust for bargains and taken the Internet by storm, but how many colonics and falconry lessons does one person need?

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Life

From Claire Rayner to Dear Deirdre: Britain’s Top 5 Agony Aunts

Yesterday Claire Rayner’s family held a memorial service to the great women herself. Here’s our tribute to Britain’s top 5 unflappable agony aunts.

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Film

The Apprentice 2011, Week Three: Beauty And The Beasts

Lord Sugar loves a bit of beauty, pity one team couldn’t tell the difference between profit margin and crushing loss…

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Film

Britain’s Got Talent Week 1: It’s All Change… Sort Of

Finally, our weekly fix of watching the mentally unstable sing and dance through our hands is back! It’s a whole different ball game this year though, not only are they wheeling out idiots of previously unexplored villages, but the judges are slightly less interesting.

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Film

Embarrassing Bodies: A Fistful Of Horrors

A benign testicle cyst and a badgers arse come under the microscope…

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Film

Red Nose Day, Part 1

Just because Comic Relief is for charity doesn’t mean we have to leave our critical faculties behind the sofa.

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Film

Jamie’s Dream School: Week One

After failing to save America, the rubbery-lipped one is out of the fatty frying pan and into a flamed filled class room. 20 kids, celeb teachers and a dead pig. What could go wrong?

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Film

Apprentice 2010: Week 10 (as seen by Lucy Sweet)

Due to Sabotage Times’ renowned inability to concentrate we asked two of our writers to watch The Apprentice instead of one. Still, on the plus side that means twice the number of laughs for you…

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Film

X-Factor Results Show Week 9: Every Little Helps

The finish line is in sight, but first, we the people had to whittle down a flaccid five into a fabulous final four. Would this be the end for the pantomim-Cheryl-clone Cher, or would ‘Tesco Mary’ finally be sent packing.

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Film

X-Factor Live Show 6: Well and Truly Hooked

If you managed to miss this week’s installment of X Factor don’t worry because you can catch up on the latest extravaganza right here.

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Film

Halloweeen X Factor – Pure Evil Indeed

Dressing up last night’s X Factor in Halloween costume did nothing to dilute the collective evil. This week, the harmless fancy dress just made it all a million times more frightening – like Red Nose day at Auschwitz.

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Film

The Apprentice 2010: Week 1

Like watching the Roman Forum full of Idiot Gladiators The Apprentice 2010 is packed with back biting Billy Bullshitters making sausages that resemble cat shit.

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